WARNING: Contains Adult Content, Foul Lauguage, and Recipes that are so easy, even a dumbass could make them...

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

50 Shades of Summer

cuz that's just funny!
So it seems like forever since I've had some time to sit long enough to put any blog-worthy thoughts together.  OK, so that's not entirely true.  I've had plenty of time, I've just lacked the energy for the follow-through.  I'd like to be able to impart some newly acquired wisdom since my 50 Shades of Grey blackout AND the start of summer, but it's really much of the same:

50 Shades...
  • Christian Grey can (wishfully) pretzel you into positions your mother never knew the words for.
  • 50 Shades of Grey is full of shit.  Penis + vagina + endless amounts of of sex = UTI... no matter how you hash it (or in what position...)
  • It IS possible to read the 50 Shades trilogy 4 (or more) times WITHOUT getting sick of it.
  • You never, I repeat NEVER, have to clean the bathroom if you are married to Christian Grey.  
  • You would never have 2 kids if you were Mrs. Grey. Don't be ridiculous.  (Kids just ruin shit like that.)
  • Women everywhere, married or not, are looking at the hot guy at the next table wondering if he likes to dole out a good spanking.
  • More and more men are driving Audis.  Wishful thinking, fellas..
  • More and more women are walking around randomly biting their bottom lip.  Wishful thinking, ladies... (Ouch! I think I'm bleeding...)
  • Many home equity loans were taken for the construction of "Playrooms". 
Of Summer.
  • Beach sand can be found in parts of your body your mother never taught you the words for.
  • Those commercials with the bitches bragging about their super-duper tampons are full of shit. Period + tampon + bikini + beach = Shark Bait... no matter how many times you hash it.
  • It IS possible to go to the beach 4 (or more) times WITHOUT getting sick of it.
  • You never have to clean the bathroom if you make everyone pee outside and bathe in the pool.
  • Getting to the beach with 2 kids in tow would be easier with a U-Haul.
  • Women everywhere, married or not, are looking at the hot lifeguard wondering if he likes to dole out a good spanking.  (OK, so maybe this isn't just a summer thing...)
  • More and more men are wishing they drove Audis instead of their minivans full of sand and moldy cheerios.
  • More and more women are walking around randomly biting their bottom lip... wondering if that piece of cheesecake they just wolfed down is directly relevant to the bikini triangle holding their private parts in.
  • Playroom = just another room to clean.