50 Shades of Summer

cuz that's just funny!

So it seems like forever since I've had some time to sit long enough to put any blog-worthy thoughts together.  OK, so that's not entirely true.  I've had plenty of time, I've just lacked the energy for the follow-through.  I'd like to be able to impart some newly acquired wisdom since my 50 Shades of Grey blackout AND the start of summer, but it's really much of the same:

50 Shades...

• Christian Grey can (wishfully) pretzel you into positions your mother never knew the words for.
• 50 Shades of Grey is full of shit.  Penis + vagina + endless amounts of of sex = UTI... no matter how you hash it (or in what position...)
• It IS possible to read the 50 Shades trilogy 4 (or more) times WITHOUT getting sick of it.
• You never, I repeat NEVER, have to clean the bathroom if you are married to Christian Grey.  
• You would never have 2 kids if you were Mrs. Grey. Don't be ridiculous.  (Kids just ruin shit like that.)
• Women everywhere, married or not, are looking at the hot guy at the next table wondering if he likes to dole out a good spanking.
• More and more men are driving Audis.  Wishful thinking, fellas..
• More and more women are walking around randomly biting their bottom lip.  Wishful thinking, ladies... (Ouch! I think I'm bleeding...)
• Many home equity loans were taken for the construction of "Playrooms". 

Of Summer.

• Beach sand can be found in parts of your body your mother never taught you the words for.
• Those commercials with the bitches bragging about their super-duper tampons are full of shit. Period + tampon + bikini + beach = Shark Bait... no matter how many times you hash it.
• It IS possible to go to the beach 4 (or more) times WITHOUT getting sick of it.
• You never have to clean the bathroom if you make everyone pee outside and bathe in the pool.
• Getting to the beach with 2 kids in tow would be easier with a U-Haul.
• Women everywhere, married or not, are looking at the hot lifeguard wondering if he likes to dole out a good spanking.  (OK, so maybe this isn't just a summer thing...)
• More and more men are wishing they drove Audis instead of their minivans full of sand and moldy cheerios.
• More and more women are walking around randomly biting their bottom lip... wondering if that piece of cheesecake they just wolfed down is directly relevant to the bikini triangle holding their private parts in.
• Playroom = just another room to clean.

50 Shades of.... what the f@#$ was that???

Yes, I did it. I broke down and read it.  I bought the book, actually, because the thought of someone else's hands on something so sexy disturbed me; the last thing I wanted was a "used" copy.  Of course I'm talking about E L Jame's book 50 Shades of Grey.  I mean, this book has, supposedly, saved marriages. Created babies.  Or, in my case, caused me to ignore my children. Even my husband (though, that was temporary... if you know what I mean).  I spilled supper on the floor. Dropped an egg. I even dropped a knife on my foot, I was so distracted.  I sat in the tub until the water went cold. Ice cold.  I knocked over a candle, spewing hot wax everywhere.  I even forgot a load of laundry in the dryer. I NEVER do that. Ever. I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning (4:46a.m. to be exact) transfixed, not caring what kind of shape I would be in to parent with just a couple of hours sleep. I never even got off the couch to pee.  And based on the kink in my neck, I probably didn't move much at all.  I tried to put it down. I really did.  Many times.  I just couldn't... But why?
It wasn't just the sex. It couldn't be.  Or could it?  I mean, the sex was good. Very good.  I even caught sight of myself in the mirror a few times, blushed (flushed?) when no one was around.  I giggled like a school girl every time my husband asked "How's your book?".  But it wasn't just the sex that kept me reading.  I kept asking myself why I couldn't put it down.  This was totally not my type of read... Or was it?  I like psychological books.  You know: what makes a sociopath tick.  Books that explain why people do what they do; why we turn out the way we do. Those kinds of reads. Oh, wait a minute... I get it now.  This is totally THAT kind of book.  (I'm slightly relieved to realize that it's not just about the sex.  The hot, passionate, deviant sex.  I was starting to feel like a dirty,dirty girl.  But I digress...)
Christian Grey is hot, demanding.  And broken.  (And yes, I know: fictional).  Yet, I still want to "fix" him.  Cradle him. Touch him.  Typical woman:  "Here, let me find out what makes you tick... " and mend it. Change it. Quite possibly, ruin it.  I went from one chapter to the next to the next wanting to find out WHY?  Sure, the sex was great.  Mind-blowing.  But WHY was he this way?  Mommy issues? Did he hate women?  Even Anastasia couldn't help herself.  She wanted to break him... which we all know would lead to a lot of nose blowing and tear drying.  The next thing you know, they'd be getting married and making babies... and who the hell wants to read about that??  And let's face it, if she had succeeded, there would be no book two.  Or three.  (Which is what I'm off to buy next:  Even I need my fix.)
I hear there is talk of a movie.  I'm not looking forward to it.  I don't want anyone type-casting Mr. Grey.  (And realistically speaking, who, on this earth, could do him justice?  I mean, really??)
We all have a Mr. Grey hiding somewhere.  Someone broken. Mysterious. Deviant. Tangible.  And NOT in need of repair.

What's for lunch?

Not that this is the best example of what I should be eating, but here's what I threw together for lunch today:
(I would have taken a picture to post, but I was so hungry I just couldn't take the time to do it!)

Grilled Chicken with Baby Spinach & Swiss 

6 oz Baby Spinach
Sesame Seeds
1 leftover Grilled Chicken Breast (I had filleted it and pounded it thin, sprinkled w/olive oil and salt & pepper before grilling on medium/high heat for a few minutes on each side).
1 wedge Creamy Swiss Cheese (I use Laughing Cow)
Olive Oil & Balsamic Salad Dressing

Saute spinach in 1 Tbsp of Coconut Oil (or Butter) over medium heat.  Sprinkle with garlic salt, ground pepper and 1 tsp +/- Sesame seeds.
While the spinach is wilting, reheat chicken (I do it in the same pan alongside the spinach).
When everything is heated through, slice the cheese wedge thin and place on the chicken breast.  Serve alongside the spinach. Drizzle both with some dressing and ENJOY!

Seriously, I think this took me all of 5 minutes.

Now, ordinarily I would have sauteed some garlic and onion along with the spinach but I'm not supposed to use either of them.  Since I haven't been following my new "lifestyle" too well lately, I decided not to chance it today.  Have some for me, will ya?

Is that a MilkyWay in your pocket?

It's been a while; I know.  I blog hard-core for a while and them... BAM! Nothing. Nada. Zip.  No recipes. No insight. No awe-inspiring nuggets of much needed wisdom.  Wait... what were we talking about?  Anyway, I'm still here. Lazy, as usual.  But... I have a good reason.  I think.  I was recently (and finally!) diagnosed with Small Intestinal Bacterial Overgrowth (SIBO, for short).  It's also known as Bacterial Overgrowth Syndrome.  Sounds sexy, no?  I'm not really going to try to educate you on this snooze-fest of a "condition".  It's a lot of bowel talk... you know: gas, bloating, diarrhea.  Plus, I'm still learning about it myself so I don't want to risk dishing out any misinformation.  In simple terms: I have a shit-load (pun intended) of unnecessary bacteria in my small intestine which wreaks havoc on my body causing a host of symptoms like the ones I mentioned earlier.  Now don't go telling me to "just fart" like my husband tells me to.  It's not that simple.  First of all, I don't fart (I mean, really, what lady does??? hehehe) and secondly, it's not really the same kind of gas issue.  The nasty little bacteria (those fuckers!) feast on things like lactose, carbohydrates and sugar and produce gas in an isolated part of the intestine.  The bacteria have a party and blow up my abdomen so much that I can't even wear old maternity clothes.  It also produces side effects like brain-fog, hot flashes, restless leg syndrome, chronic fatigue syndrome as well as a shit load of other fun things.  So after a heavy round of antibiotics, I'm now trying my best to live lactose free, sugar free, low-carb and, as of recently, gluten free.  Yeah, I'm a boat load of fun these days...BUT. I. FEEL. GREAT! Seriously.  I've been struggling with this (undiagnosed) for 16 years and I finally (finally!) have a diagnosis that I can work with.  Yes, it sucks.  Yes, I complain sometimes. Yes, I'll stab you in the face for a fucking candy bar.  BUT... it could always be worse.  I'm learning to really enjoy the foods I can eat.  I've even turned into one of those assholes who makes her own yogurt.  My apologies to any other assholes who also do such things... It's just a little ironic.  I've always believed in "everything in moderation" (IE: Happy Meals do not kill kids. Pepperoni is OK. Sure, you can have a lollipop before breakfast... )  Now, I'm one petticoat away from milking my own cow.  But I love it. I need it. And, I'm in control.  Why am I telling you all this?  Certainly not because I want any sympathy.  I don't handle that well.  I appreciate it; but it's not necessary.  I just want you all to be prepared when I start posting delicious, easy recipes that include VEGETABLES (eek!) and FISH (what, no sausage?). 
My family still enjoys bread, cake, cookies, etc. without incurring any bodily harm from me.  I will never force them to embrace my new way of eating (unless they HAVE to or CHOOSE to), but I do expect them to respect it.  No "ewww, that's gross" talk when I'm eating something they wouldn't choose to experience.  It has opened the doors to some experimentation and I'm proud of that. 
I'm not sure where this new way of life will take me, but I'm enjoying the relief I'm experiencing and praying that I maintain the willpower to continue.  In the meantime, don't be alarmed if you see recipes for things like "Kale Chips" and "Lactose-free Homemade Yogurt".  Aliens did not inhabit my brain.  I haven't gone off the deep end (yet).  I'm just enjoying life... without having to unzip my pants at the dinner table.  And for that, I am thankful. 
Be well, my friends.  And if you see me, you better hide the fuckin' cheesecake. 

PS: At some point, you may see posts like Fuck my life, I want toast! or Slip me a Twizzler and no one gets hurt.  Ignore those.  I'm just venting...

Spicy Fish Stew

1 small onion

3 cloves garlic

3 celery hearts

1 Tbsp. butter

1 beer

4 c. water

4 chicken bouillon cubes

3 large red potatoes w/skins on, cut into 1" pcs.
1 14.5oz. can Italian diced tomatoes
1 Tbsp. parsley
1 Tbsp. crushed red pepper
1 tsp. +/- salt
1/2 c. corn kernels, frozen
1 lb. Cod fish fillet

Chop fine (mince) onion, garlic, and celery.
In a large pot, melt butter.  Saute onion, garlic, and celery 5 minutes. 
Add beer, water, bouillon and potatoes.  Simmer 15 minutes or until potatoes are fork-tender.
Add tomatoes (with juices), parsley, red pepper, salt, corn, and whole fish fillet.
Simmer over medium/low heat until fish is cooked through and breaks apart easily with a wooden spoon.  Stir until all fish is broken up into bite-size pieces.  Remove from heat.
Serve with crusty Italian bread or Portuguese rolls.

Panko Crusted Turkey Burgers w/Caramelized Onions

OK, so this recipe came about in an attempt to get my family to eat healthier.  Honestly, they won't even try it, but my friends and I LOVE this recipe!  I KNOW you will too...

1 Lb. Ground Turkey

1 Egg

3/4 cup Panko Bread Crumbs (plus more for coating)

2 Tbsp. Real Maple Syrup

1/2 tsp. Salt

1/2 tsp. Crushed Red Pepper

Cheddar Cheese (shredded or sliced)

6 Whole Wheat Rolls

Combine all ingredients, (except cheese and rolls).  Roll into 6 even-sized balls.  Coat with additional Panko crumbs & flatten into patties.

(Refrigerate while making Caramelized Onions.)

To caramelize onions:

Slice 1 large onion into thin rings.  Saute in 2 Tbsp. butter until deep brown, stirring often to prevent burning.  Set aside.

Drizzle patties generously with olive oil and grill on medium heat until cooked through (burgers will be firm when you press on the center).  Top with cheddar cheese.

To serve: 

Lightly grill buns.  Spread maple butter (recipe below) generously over each bun (top & bottom). 

Place pattie on bun and top with caramelized onions. 

Maple Butter:

Combine 2 Tbsp. softened butter, 2 Tbsp. Real Maple Syrup and 1 Tsp. Crushed Red Pepper.   

Happy (Healthy!?!) Eating!

Chowda

New England's finest... and easiest.

3 Tbsp. butter
1 medium onion
2 celery ribs
2 large garlic cloves
2 Tbsp. flour
2 large potatoes, peeled and cut into bit-sized pieces
3 chicken bouillon cubes
2 Bay leaves
2 cans chopped clams
1 cup half & half (or heavy cream)
salt and freshly ground pepper
1 Tbsp. dried dill weed

Boil 5 cups of water.  Add potatoes, bouillon, clams (with juices) and Bay leaves.  Cook until potatoes are fork-tender.  Once cooked, strain broth into a large measuring cup or bowl, reserving potatoes and clams (remove bay leaves).
In the meantime, chop fine the onion, celery and garlic (I pulse all 3 together in a food processor until minced). 
Melt butter in stock pot.  Add onion, celery and garlic.  Cook until onion is translucent, approximately 3 - 5 minutes.
Add flour and stir, making a roux... (Listen to me... all fancy & shit!!) 
Slowly add approximately 1 cup of broth, stirring constantly, allowing mixture to thicken slightly.  Continue adding remaining broth, 1 cup at a time, thickening in between.
Carefully add potatoes and clams, dill, and half & half.  Heat through, but do no boil.
Add salt and pepper to taste.

Want to really impress 'em?
Serve in little edible bread boules (I know! I'm just so fancy now!)
Simply cut off the top.  Hollow out the center and fill with chowder. 
Dinner is served!