WARNING: Contains Adult Content, Foul Lauguage, and Recipes that are so easy, even a dumbass could make them...

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Is that a MilkyWay in your pocket?

It's been a while; I know.  I blog hard-core for a while and them... BAM! Nothing. Nada. Zip.  No recipes. No insight. No awe-inspiring nuggets of much needed wisdom.  Wait... what were we talking about?  Anyway, I'm still here. Lazy, as usual.  But... I have a good reason.  I think.  I was recently (and finally!) diagnosed with Small Intestinal Bacterial Overgrowth (SIBO, for short).  It's also known as Bacterial Overgrowth Syndrome.  Sounds sexy, no?  I'm not really going to try to educate you on this snooze-fest of a "condition".  It's a lot of bowel talk... you know: gas, bloating, diarrhea.  Plus, I'm still learning about it myself so I don't want to risk dishing out any misinformation.  In simple terms: I have a shit-load (pun intended) of unnecessary bacteria in my small intestine which wreaks havoc on my body causing a host of symptoms like the ones I mentioned earlier.  Now don't go telling me to "just fart" like my husband tells me to.  It's not that simple.  First of all, I don't fart (I mean, really, what lady does??? hehehe) and secondly, it's not really the same kind of gas issue.  The nasty little bacteria (those fuckers!) feast on things like lactose, carbohydrates and sugar and produce gas in an isolated part of the intestine.  The bacteria have a party and blow up my abdomen so much that I can't even wear old maternity clothes.  It also produces side effects like brain-fog, hot flashes, restless leg syndrome, chronic fatigue syndrome as well as a shit load of other fun things.  So after a heavy round of antibiotics, I'm now trying my best to live lactose free, sugar free, low-carb and, as of recently, gluten free.  Yeah, I'm a boat load of fun these days...BUT. I. FEEL. GREAT! Seriously.  I've been struggling with this (undiagnosed) for 16 years and I finally (finally!) have a diagnosis that I can work with.  Yes, it sucks.  Yes, I complain sometimes. Yes, I'll stab you in the face for a fucking candy bar.  BUT... it could always be worse.  I'm learning to really enjoy the foods I can eat.  I've even turned into one of those assholes who makes her own yogurt.  My apologies to any other assholes who also do such things... It's just a little ironic.  I've always believed in "everything in moderation" (IE: Happy Meals do not kill kids. Pepperoni is OK. Sure, you can have a lollipop before breakfast... )  Now, I'm one petticoat away from milking my own cow.  But I love it. I need it. And, I'm in control.  Why am I telling you all this?  Certainly not because I want any sympathy.  I don't handle that well.  I appreciate it; but it's not necessary.  I just want you all to be prepared when I start posting delicious, easy recipes that include VEGETABLES (eek!) and FISH (what, no sausage?). 
My family still enjoys bread, cake, cookies, etc. without incurring any bodily harm from me.  I will never force them to embrace my new way of eating (unless they HAVE to or CHOOSE to), but I do expect them to respect it.  No "ewww, that's gross" talk when I'm eating something they wouldn't choose to experience.  It has opened the doors to some experimentation and I'm proud of that. 
I'm not sure where this new way of life will take me, but I'm enjoying the relief I'm experiencing and praying that I maintain the willpower to continue.  In the meantime, don't be alarmed if you see recipes for things like "Kale Chips" and "Lactose-free Homemade Yogurt".  Aliens did not inhabit my brain.  I haven't gone off the deep end (yet).  I'm just enjoying life... without having to unzip my pants at the dinner table.  And for that, I am thankful. 
Be well, my friends.  And if you see me, you better hide the fuckin' cheesecake. 

PS: At some point, you may see posts like Fuck my life, I want toast! or Slip me a Twizzler and no one gets hurt.  Ignore those.  I'm just venting...


  1. i thought that you were boring before
    but now....wake me when you are done!
    it is all about what you eat(or can't).

  2. I know, Joe. I know. It IS all about what I can eat... and luckily, I can still drink wine.. so, watch out!

  3. Sounds like my diabetic lifestyle!! Well, until i went on an insulin pump, packed on some pounds, and now can't get them off, LOL!! looking forward to your recipes!! :)

  4. Thanks, Melissa! It certainly is a "lifestyle"! I hope to post some new recipes soon!

  5. That girl you used to know...March 15, 2012 at 4:37 PM

    ...passes you the pattern to sew a petticoat just like mine...here's to better eating, better health and errant fits of anger over carbs, candy bars and alcohol. Oh yeah, and husbands demanding we just fart already and get into bed. Sexy times ahead!

  6. Suffering from total carb envy... but this too shall pass. (God, I hope so!) I say we take the boys out for dinner and when they ask for a dessert menu we can kick them in their cookies. how's that for a sweet tooth!?